Am I the Side Character in My Own Life?
A late-night question from my therapist cracked something open, and what poured out was doubt, desire, and the beginning of my heroine’s journey.
Today I want to try something new.
Try reading this story with the background I picked below. Adjust the volume, click play, and enjoy the ride.
“Do you want to be the protagonist or the side character of your life?”
I’m sitting cross-legged on the white comforter of my queen-size bed, headphones on, when my therapist asks me that question.
I don’t answer right away. I just stare at her through the little Zoom square I deeply despise. What kind of question is that, anyway?
Of course I want to be the main character.
Makes me wonder why I’m still working with this therapist if these are the kinds of questions she asks.
But then I realize I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. And maybe, just maybe, she sees more than I give her credit for.
Are my actions making me the heroine? Or just an invisible extra?
The nameless blur in a crowd scene, there to fill space.
The one who gets eaten by the zombie so the zombie looks scary as hell.
A background character with no lines.
One of my biggest fears is waking up twenty years from now, looking back, and realizing I didn’t live a life I’m proud of. That I didn’t take the chances. That the life I built doesn’t represent who I really am.
There it is. The naked truth.
For everyone to see.
For me to see.
I don’t know how it feels to say it out loud… but I said it.
Wow.
What’s the difference between life happening to you and actively pursuing what you want?
It’s a question I wrestle with constantly. I feel lost, like I should already know, but thinking harder doesn’t help. I don’t have a clear dream. I don’t have a defined purpose. Sometimes I struggle to name a talent.
I have a friend who wants to make movies. Telling stories through film is his thing, and he’s really good at it. It’s been his dream since university. You can see it in his eyes when he talks about it. And it’s not just passion. It’s grit, vision, heart. The willingness to juggle multiple jobs, spend every weekend behind a camera, face rejection after rejection, and keep going. The journey is worth it for him. It’s not just a dream. It’s who he is.
My friend Aditi once told me, “I’m lucky because I get to do exactly what I love doing,” describing her work as a designer. And Giulia? Her purpose is to help rebuild post-conflict cities. Different paths, same energy. That clarity. That alignment between soul and purpose.
And it goes beyond work. Some people just know.
One of my colleagues has a nine-month-old baby. His eyes lit up when he told me, “We’re already trying for the next. I think four is a good number. I’ve always wanted to be a dad more than anything.”
Again, that spark. That certainty. That lock-in.
All I can do is be in awe of people who’ve found their calling. Who see it clearly and build toward it, brick by brick.
Too bad the universe handed me a different deck. The “always searching” one.
So where does that leave me?
At a recent work event, our People & Culture team hosted a values bootcamp. The goal was to identify your top three values and share them with others in the room. Get to know yourself better. Connect. Yada yada.
People are skeptical of these things, but truthfully? I love them. Anything that helps me learn more about myself—I’m in. It fits with my constant “who am I / why am I here / what the hell am I doing” mentality. It fits with my mutable, problem-solving, alchemist energy.
We were given a deck of 100 value cards and asked to sort them into three piles:
Not important
Somewhat important
Important.
Then we had to keep refining until only three remained in the important pile.
It was hard. Of course all 100 cards felt non-negotiable. I caught myself placing “curiosity” and “justice” into the discard pile and thought, what kind of monster am I?
But we were on a clock. No time to overthink and I had to follow my intuition.
When I looked down at my final three, Independence, Growth, and Integrity looked back at me.
And then… guilt.
At some point, I’d tossed “Family” into the discard pile. What does that say about me?
I grew up in a close, family-oriented household. I come from a country that places family (and religion) above almost everything else. I would die for my brother, no questions asked.
And here I am, betraying what I’m supposed to value.
Most of the other people in the room had picked Family. That only made my traitorous heart beat louder.
“I know exactly what my values are,” one of the senior people in the room said. Of course he does, I thought, rolling my eyes. “I even have monthly KPIs to track them.” I didn’t know I could roll my eyes even harder.
God forbid I start turning my personal life into a performance dashboard. I already do that enough at work. But what really struck me wasn’t the KPI nonsense. It was the clarity. The awareness of what he stands for and the discipline to build toward it.
Before that exercise, I hadn’t even thought of values as tangible, defined elements in my life. They were always just there. I know my partner and I think about money differently and give it a different meaning, but I’ve never thought about organizing my values into a hierarchy.
“One of the reasons I love you is because you value family ” Ambuj told me early in our relationship.
Do I?
I’m the one who left her family behind to pursue growth and curiosity. I’m the one who isn’t sure she wants to be a mother because she’s terrified of giving up her life for someone else. I’m the one who drew clear boundaries with my partner’s family for self-preservation. Ha. Treacherous heart.
However curiosity has the best of me, sending me signals from the non important pile.
Independence: Make decisions based on what I want and need. I hate when people decide for me or speak on my behalf. Ask me. Don’t assume. I love cuddling but hate clinginess. I have very short temper with people who are too dependent and complain all the time. I’ll support you, I’ll help and give you the tools you need so that you can di it on your own. I don’t do pity parties. I’m also terrible at expressing my own needs, which makes things tricky when I’m insisting on autonomy. I respect rules, but only if they’re fair and make sense. ( I had a lot to say here, noted).
Growth: To me, growth means personal evolution. It’s about curiosity. It’s about not staying stagnant. Life doesn’t happen from the couch. Life is out there, under the sun or the stars, in the whispers of the wind, in a deep conversation. It’s saying yes to chances that scare you. It’s learning and expanding. And there’s so much out there to explore.
Integrity: Know yourself so you can express yourself truthfully. That one’s the hardest. It’s figuring out what doing the right thing means to you—and sticking to it, even when no one’s watching.
These values feel right. They reflect who I am. Even if I’m still wrestling with why Family didn’t make the top three.
Maybe it’s because I believe the truer you are to yourself, the more you’re able to care for others. The happier we are, the more we pass that happiness on. Self-sacrificing doesn’t look noble; it just delays the explosion. Eventually, the ticking time bomb you’ve become goes off—and you realize you were never that person to begin with.
All this to say: I do want to be the main character of my life. I want to look back in 20 years and smile wide.
Do I have any clue how to get there? Absolutely not.
Am I scared? Terrified.
Will I ever get there? No idea. But I can try.
I can start by giving voice to my voice. One small piece at a time.
I’ll lose people along the way. I’ll gain others.
That seems like a fair price for becoming who I really am.
And so there we go, let the heroine’s journey begin.
From the edge of becoming,
Simona
Io mi commuovo Simo. Ci metto un po' a recuperare le tue scritture e ogni volta mi dico "queste sono le cose da leggere per prime"
Non vergognarti mai di voler essere indipendente.
Sento molto il "peso" di questa parola ma è anche il mio sogno più grande. Essere capace di stare in piedi da sola. In ogni ambito della vita.
La famiglia l'avrei scartata anche io, con lo stesso senso di colpa.
Ma poi, pensandoci...la famiglia c'è. A prescindere
C'è chi noi vogliamo che ci sia.
La famiglia sono altre persone, come può essere il valore di una persona?
Onestamente non la metterei neanche nel mazzo di carte, se deve creare colpe.
Io non so come si fa Simo, ma se me lo permetti, facciamo un pezzo di strada insieme perché la meta è la stessa.
Intanto ti ringrazio...perché non è un modo di dire: mi fai commuovere e capire quanto siano belli i nostri valori.
Simona, I really enjoyed this—it gave me so much to sit with. You put words to questions I’ve asked myself over and over, and your honesty made space for reflection in the best way.
That part about sorting your values hit especially hard. I've done similar exercises, and I remember the quiet panic of trying to narrow things down, knowing full well that what ends up in the discard pile often says just as much as what makes the cut.
So here’s what I want to offer—gently:
Pick a fourth card. Break the rules.
It’s clear Family still has a seat at the table. Maybe not in the form you were taught to value, but in a form that’s yours. That tension you feel? That’s not a mistake—it’s information. It’s a sign that Family still matters. Maybe just not in the top three today. Maybe tomorrow it’s #1.
The point isn’t the ranking. The point is the listening.
Frameworks are helpful, until they’re not. Sometimes what doesn’t fit is what we need to make room for.
You’re not the side character in this story. You’re the one building it, editing it, making the margins wide enough to hold everything that’s true.
Keep going.